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I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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