is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
