so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
