my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
