So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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