I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
