So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
