For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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