my vag is so smooth its legendary
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
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