Texts From Last Night

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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.

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  (405): I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave. http://tfl.nu/m2vh
  Replies (30) Good night (4132) Bad night (819)
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  (954): View more from Florida

  I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.

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  (954): I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs. http://tfl.nu/kpvs
  Replies (37) Good night (1926) Bad night (3742)
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???

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  (970): Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas??? http://tfl.nu/mb80
  Replies (32) Good night (5258) Bad night (836)
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.

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  (248): I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial. http://tfl.nu/t70i
  Replies (12) Good night (7287) Bad night (1132)
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games

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  (613): I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games http://tfl.nu/74pd
  Replies (18) Good night (4301) Bad night (1370)
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.

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  (330): All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold. http://tfl.nu/zmz2
  Replies (16) Good night (3709) Bad night (1450)
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  (650): View more from California

  I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.

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  (650): I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever. http://tfl.nu/x84m
  Replies (15) Good night (2726) Bad night (788)
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.

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  (216): I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot. http://tfl.nu/mi2o
  Replies (3) Good night (1083) Bad night (608)
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.

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  (724): I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked. http://tfl.nu/4abp
  Replies (9) Good night (543) Bad night (1275)
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.

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  (479): They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora. http://tfl.nu/rpdd
  Replies (5) Good night (711) Bad night (390)
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.

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  (402): On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus. http://tfl.nu/e88p
  Replies (4) Good night (1067) Bad night (412)
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  (928): View more from Arizona

  I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.

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  (928): I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment. http://tfl.nu/bhdk
  Replies (3) Good night (320) Bad night (652)
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  (763): View more from Minnesota

  He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....

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  (763): He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun.... http://tfl.nu/cilg
  Replies (1) Good night (368) Bad night (229)
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?

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  (703): What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to? http://tfl.nu/gsf7
  Replies (0) Good night (391) Bad night (225)
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.

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  (773): There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table. http://tfl.nu/rbky
  Replies (4) Good night (338) Bad night (187)

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