goodnight i made you a song goodbye
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
THAT is your concern right now?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.