My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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