Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
