I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
