i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
