this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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