when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
