I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I love you. Go after that dick
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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