I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
