And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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