I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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