No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
