I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
