Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
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