You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
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