Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
