Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
