I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
