So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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