My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
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