Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
