see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
