I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
