I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
