I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
