there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
