I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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