Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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