Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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