I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
