now i know why i became what i already was.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
