just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
