the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
