I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
