Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize
