Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
