I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
