all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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