I am spending my child support on dildos
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
