I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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