Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Randomize
