3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
