My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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