After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
