That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
