I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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