Will you blow on my dice?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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