just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
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I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
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I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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