Duck Duck Cougar?
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
