i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
