Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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